In my mom’s case, it had been a while before the day she passed that I actually heard her voice. I think the last real conversation we had was the day she called to make sure I understood what the doctor was saying—when he told us there was nothing more they could do but make her comfortable. I wasn’t able to be there in person, so they patched me in via FaceTime. I had to turn it off before the call ended because I couldn’t hold it together. That moment might’ve been the worst part of her illness—second only to the moment she slipped away in my arms.

No! There has to be something we can do. You’re the doctor! I wanted to scream at him, reach through the screen and shake him. I wanted him to understand: this was my mother. She was a warrior. She couldn’t lose to this monster—this cruel thing called glioblastoma multiforme. God, what an unforgiving disease.

My mother was HOME – it existed within her – and now that she’s gone I’ll never be able to truly return. I’m untethered, yet I’m supposed to moor my own children to the world. It’s baffling to think that I’m their stability when so many days I feel like a crumbling pile of sand. I wonder if my mother ever felt this way – washed away by the tide and rebuilt again by the children the next day. There are so many things I wish I could ask her. – What’s Your Grief?

Yes, I’m surrounded by love and support from family and friends—but they’re not her. And while I know some people never had the chance to know a good mom—or any mom—I did. I had that gift. I knew her. I learned from her. I wanted my kids to do the same. I know exactly what I’ve lost. And for that, my heart will always carry a scar.

Still, I feel her with me. Every day. When I’m anxious, I hear her voice: You are my daughter. You can do this. Just breathe. I hear it in the wind, in the fall of leaves, in the flutter of a butterfly’s wings. Just breathe.

A while back, I was helping clean up at Girl Scouts after my daughter finished carving a pumpkin. I reached for a towel, and there on the counter was a covered plate with a note: For Joanne F. That was my mom. I knew, in that quiet and simple moment, she was there with me.

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Grief and Holidays

I know these people are just trying to help but that statement is just not true. Things do not get better. We just get used to the feeling in the chest like the heart is being squeezed by a vise. And during the holidays with all the memories pouring in, that feeling takes over the entire body. So just how does one deal with grief during the holidays?

Where are you Christmas?

Since Thanksgiving this year I have felt frozen for fear of remembering too much causing a complete collapse that would render me unable to take care of my three young kids. I am very good at sticking my head in the sand and ignoring what’s going on within but it just sits there, waiting until I come up for air. It is always there.

I’ve tried keeping busy this season and find I am looking for holiday gifts as often as I can. As if this will fill the void in my heart. I put out so many lights and decorations, but this doesn’t help that empty feeling I have in my heart. It’s still there and possibly always will be there.

There is one Christmas I will never forget. My parents and my brother and I were traveling to see relatives for the holiday. We didn’t return until after Christmas. When we got home, my brother and I walked into a living room filled with gifts from Santa, who had brought them while we were away. The most memorable gifts and possibly the only ones I remember that year were two red sleds set up on the couch. I asked my mom about it just before she passed, wondering how they were able to pull something off like that. She told me a story of that magical Christmas and it’s forever in my heart as nothing short of amazing.

So how does one find that magical feeling during the holidays when you are grieving? How do you put aside the pain in your heart and remember what is important when your important person is no longer with you?

The Jolly in the Holly

Here are a few things I’ve found give me some solace during the holidays:

• Find a special candle and light it in your loved one’s honor. You can offer a prayer every time you light it, too, if you feel so inclined!
• Use photos of your loved ones for holiday gifts. I put together a gift for my brother and sister-in-law using one photo of my parents dancing when they were just married and another one the summer when my mom got sick and my dad starting losing weight. They don’t look their best but they look so happy. That’s how I want to remember them.
• Make a holiday treat your loved one enjoyed making.
• Send holiday cards to friends of your loved one(s) or distant relatives with whom they always kept in touch.
• Take good care of yourself. Don’t feel like you have to do all of the activities or traditions you did with your loved ones (or even new ones). Pick one to focus on and do that.

This is why I get out of bed this time of year. This is why I show up for my kids when my heart is so heavy it’s hard to stand up. I show up and try my hardest to make things magical for my kids. I want them to feel what I felt that Christmas with the red sleds. So maybe that’s why people say things will get better because you learn how to push down the grief and be in the present and interact with the world again. You get up because the rest of the people in your life depend on you.

But it doesn’t actually FEEL better. I think it’s just that we learn how to function again with this weight in our hearts.

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And then, one day not long ago, she did come back. She brought all of her things so that my house is cramped and claustrophobic. I don’t like grief. I don’t like how she is so messy and scary. She makes me hurt so much from the bruises and I can’t see when she is in a rage.

Grief brings humility as a housewarming gift and doesn’t care whether you want it or not.
– John Pavlovitz

Now I understand others who have had grief stay at their house. I understand in a way that I never did before. I am compassionate because I don’t know what’s going on in a person’s house just by looking at their face. Under their clothes may be bruises, cuts and scrapes that grief has inflicted and that changed their plans forever.

If you haven’t met grief then you really have no idea how awful she is. You haven’t experienced how she clings to you and doesn’t let you go but for a quick walk then she’s waiting at the door. You probably wonder what is so bad – she looks okay in the doorway?

It’s just that you don’t know how bad she really is. Inside the house when the curtains are closed and doors locked she wreaks havoc, a tornado of pain and sorrow. She chases me through the house, knocking down furniture and breaking things. She throws things at me and knocks me down. She stands over me with her hands above my heart, pummeling and stabbing.

Breathe.

Can you hear it? Do you hear my screams? Just hug me. Tell me I will be okay. Remind me that I was so lucky to have had such amazing parents that I feel this much pain missing them. Grief is here to stay but you can remind me I am not alone. Help me find the strength to put grief in the basement so that one day I might just open the door and let in the light.

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Grief Quotes can provide a source of comfort and strength in times of sorrow. Whether it’s the passing of a beloved family member, friend or pet, grief can be a difficult emotion to deal with. Quotes about grief can help to express these emotions that may not have words, giving us a sense of hope and understanding.

What is Grief But the Absence of Love?

When we experience grief, it can feel like we have lost a part of ourselves. But what if grief is not just the absence of a loved one, but also the absence of love itself? Love is a powerful force that can bring us together and make us feel whole. Without it, grief can feel unbearable.

However, I believe that love is not truly lost when we experience grief. Instead, it lives on in the memories we hold dear and the impact our loved ones have had on our lives. In this way, grief may be painful, but it is not without purpose. It reminds us of the love that we have shared and encourages us to cherish the memories that we hold dear.

“Grief is the last act of love we give to our loved one. Where there is deep grief there is great love. Grief is a great rite of passage, it is a hero’s journey of courage, of sacred battles, sorrow, love, joy and loss. Through the darkness of grief we can see the light of love which transcends death. And with the pain can come gratitude for the gift of time we had, the love that was shared and the power to become a better person because they loved us.

–unknown

Have you ever wondered about the connection between love and grief? Grief is undoubtedly a difficult emotion to endure, but it is also a testament to the love and connection we have shared with those we have lost. Let us remember that our love for those we have lost is a beautiful thing that never truly fades away.

What Did Mark Twain say about Grief?

Mark Twain once said, “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”

These words may seem somber at first glance, but they hold an important message about the healing process for those dealing with grief.

Twain’s words remind us that it’s okay to feel pain and sadness after the loss of someone we love, and that healing doesn’t mean forgetting or erasing that person from our lives. Instead, we must learn to carry them with us and find comfort in the memories and love they left behind.

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